Raising the Perfect Child through Guilt and Manipulation

The back story

Barnes and Noble is one of my favorite places to unwind. Sometimes I take whatever book I'm reading and curl up in a cushy chair by the window. Other times I'll sit in the cafe with my journal and a chai late, scribbling a story a just writing thoughts. But sometimes, I have no agenda, and it is at those times that I find myself standing in the humor section, reading a text and laughing out loud as other customers walk by. If you've never done this, you should try it. Witty works await you and your unenlightened brain.

I was heading out the door a few weekends ago to spend a Saturday afternoon drinking coffee at the Barnes and Noble cafe and editing an essay. My roommate, Isa, stopped me as I passed through the kitchen.

"Rachel," she said, "How would you tell your parents that you were dating an African Muslim?"

She was leaning against the counter and drinking tea with Laura, her boyfriend's younger sister.

"And he's five years older than you," Laura said.

"Are you dating a 25-year-old African Muslim?" I asked Laura.

She nodded.

"How did you meet him?" I asked.

"In class," she said. "He's really wonderful. He's studying so he can go help his country's economic situation. And we have a lot in common. He likes to read and he's good to me..."

"He really is a good guy," Isa interjected.

"So which part would they have a problem with?" I asked. "The African part or the Muslim part?"

Isa and Laura shot each other accusing glances. Isa rolled her head around to face me.

"Probably both," she said.

Laura took a sip of tea.

"Yea, they've never said they don't want me to date anyone who's black or Muslim, but they've made it clear the kind of guy they want me to date," Laura said.

"Laura used to date the perfect guy," Isa said.

"Yea, it's true. He was great. My parents loved him. He was smart and attractive and on his way to being successful, but I just didn't feel romantically for him."

I nodded.

"But they're always asking, 'how's Ricky?' and 'Ricky was a great guy, he'd be a great man to be with.' So basically implying that I should either go back to Ricky, or find someone else like him."


I was silent while they looked to me for an answer.

"I say just tell them!" I said. "And the sooner the better because if you really like this guy, they're going to find out anyway."

Laura looked timid, and I could see her parents held some sort of control over her--the kind of control all parents have over their kids. We don't want to disappoint them, we don't want them to think we are bad, and we can't stand the guilt that they throw on us for not living up to their expectations.

"Well, that's my answer. I gotta go!" I said, I went to Barnes and Noble.

The book

After an hour of reading and rereading my essay, I frustratingly put it back in my bag and stood up from my table.

I need a break, I thought and headed to for the humor.

I scanned the shelf, taking in the titles--something about porn (probably don't want to pick that up) a book about being snarky (already read it), Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation.

Hmmm...what's this? And I picked it up and flipped it over to read the back:

Raising the Perfect Child Through Guilt and Manipulation is not one of those traditional, all-too-earnest parenting guides that, for generations, have sucked all the fun out of child rearing. The foundation of Elizabeth Beckwith's Guilt and Manipulation family philosophy is simple: We do things a certain way, and everyone else is an a**hole.

Is that something you should put on a bumper sticker and slap on your minivan? Of course not—that would be trashy. But in the privacy of your own home, you can employ these essential components of Guilt and Manipulation to mold the little runts ruthlessly yet effectively into children you won't be embarrassed to admit are yours:

Creating a Team: "Us" vs. "Them"
How to Scare the Crap Out of Your Child (in a Positive Way)
Don't Be Afraid to Raise a Nerd
Mind Control: Why It's a Good Thing

I was intrigued!

Author Elizabeth Beckwith then revealed to me the simple steps to take in establishing this sort of mind control over your children.

1. Encouragement
2. Loud disapproval for others
3. More encouragement- for example. "I'm so glad you're not like those people.

It is Beckwith's philosophy that successful parenting is not accomplished through rules and boundaries, but through guilt and manipulation via telepathic message.

For example, when you're mother says, "Oh my gosh, look at what that girl is wearing! That is so trashy!" Then you know that wearing a mini skirt up to your butt, high heels and a tube top is bad and unacceptable.

On the other hand, when Laura's mom says, "Ricky is the perfect guy. We love Ricky." Then Laura knows that anything less, or different, than Ricky is unacceptable.

The Conclusion
While my own parents didn't exactly brainwash me about the type of guy I should date (or if they tried, it obviously didn't work), they definitely used this tactic to mold me in other ways. Unfortunately, many of their words backfired because I rebelled and did what I wanted anyway. Or if I didn't rebel, I judged myself by my parents standards and deemed myself a bad person. Either way, kids are going to learn the hardway and get screwed up in the proccess. It's just part of life.

Maybe I'm being too harsh, especially since my parents read this. I love my parents. They're great people. But they're just that...people; and people mess up. I'll probably inadvertently brainwash my kids and send them to therapy as well.

So, my advice to Laura remains the same: date him! Do what you want! Set some boundaries with your parents; then you will have no one to blame but yourself and you will be better off because of it. Parents love us, but eventually, they have to let go.

Disclaimer: my attitude will probably change when I have kids