The first date

Well friends, the date with the Jim was a success. Nothing too awkward happened and I enjoyed two and a half hours of great conversation. While I left the date with a satisfied feeling of knowing I had found a good friend, I do have a few tips for all you men out there considering going on a first date:

1. Always give a compliment

I spent the entire week prior to the date convincing myself and everyone else around me that I didn't really want to go and that i didn't care what happened. But for some reason, I went to Target and bought a new shirt to wear with boots and a sweater that I already had. I took shower, straightened and styled my hair (which doesn't always happen), and spent a significant amount of time putting on make-up that matched my clothes and made my eyes pop. As I stood in the bathroom, bending over the sink with my face in the mirror, I kept asking myself, "Why am I even doing this? I don't care if he likes me. I don't even care if he finds me attractive. In fact, it would probably be best if he didn't find me attractive, then I don't have to worry about him asking me on a second date."

Nevertheless, I fixed myself up and I looked cute. Women spend time getting ready for dates and they like to know its appreciated. So compliment her. Tell her she looks pretty, compliment her outfit, tell her you like her hair. Something. Anything. Just make her feel good about herself. Jim didn't do this, and I noticed right away.

2. Open doors and pull out chairs

I attended a liberal women's college where the feminist movement is in full swing. In fact, a few of their philosophy's have stuck with me, and I'm totally for all girl power stuff. But that doesn't mean I don't like to be treated like a lady.

I will give Jim a little credit for this one. He opened the door at the restaurant and the coffee shop we went to afterwards. However, he did not open my car door (which would have been bonus points) and he didn't pull out my chair (which I can actually forgive that one because honestly, that can sometimes be a little awkward).

3. Don't run down the stairs

Jim had a disadvantage from the start. He had previously taken one of my friends on a date, and she told me his chivalry wasn't the greatest.

He picked me up at 6:30 and we drove downtown to eat at the Pasta Factory. We parked on the third floor of a parking garage about a block away. We got out of the car and walked to the stairs where he proceeded to run down the stairs in front of me. He was talking the entire time, but I have no idea what he was saying because I was trying to keep up with him while holding in my laughter and promising myself not to forget to tell Emily about this.

I'll just chalk this mistake up to his high strung personality and nerves.

4. Don't reveal your mental processes

The Pasta Factory is a nice restaurant--not quite on the same scale as Macaroni Grill, but I would choose it over Olive Garden. Jim is 21 and I am 22; however, I'm not a big wine drinker. After we sat down the waiter presented us with a wine menu and asked if either of us would like anything to drink besides water. Jim paused and I could see him looking at me in my peripheral vision.

"No thanks, I'm fine," I said.

"Yea me too," he said.

The waiter left to get our waters and some bread, and a single moment of awkward silence lingered between us.
"Uh yea, I debated in my head if that would be appropriate or not," Jim said. I glanced up from my menu. "Should I order a drink? Should I not? Maybe that's inappropriate. Up, nope. We couldn't drink together anyway because I'm a student and you're on staff. Huhu...stupid rules. Ha. Ya know. Anyway..."

His arms flailed in nervous gestures through the entire monologues. I bit my lip to hide a smile.

5. Make sure you know where you are going

Jim had texted me earlier that day to let me know that we were going to the Pasta Factory. This is an important note to take because the girl always needs to know how she should dress.

However, once we parked the car, Jim revealed that he had never been to the Pasta Factory and he didn't exactly know where it was.

"Max told me you had to go down some ally and the door was in the back," he said as we walked down the side walk. "Oh, is this it?" he asked as we past a creepy side street on our left.

Luckily for him, I had been to the Pasta Factory several times so I knew where I was going.

"No," I said. "And it's not really an ally. It's this cute little entry that leads to an outdoor patio. You'll see."

We continued walking.

"Oh, here we are," he said. Then he tried to enter a tattoo parlor.

"No, that's not it either," I said. "The door is back there." And I pointed to the Pasta Factory sign

Moral of the story--its okay to go somewhere you've never been before. Just make sure you scope it out first so you know where you are going.

6.. Be sure to lead the conversation

My biggest fear going into the date is that Jim wouldn't talk--that I would get in the car and have to think of something to say first. In my opinion, he asked me out so he should be ready and willing to begin a conversation.

Jim receives a gold star in this category, and maybe things were a little easier for him because we had a lot that we could talk about. The conversation went from roommates, to college, to classes and family, to dogs, to religion, and to Harry Potter before landing on my senior project. It was fun. And I had a nice time talking to him. Good job Jim in the arena of conversation.

A question

This might be a little embarrassing, but I may have made a mistake.

After dinner, we walked to The Underground (formally known as The Artisan) to get hot chocolate. Jim ordered and paid, which was very nice of him, then we sat down to enjoy the after dinner treat.

Each cup had a dollop of whipped cream on top, which planted itself on Jim's nose after he took a drink. He must have felt it because he wiped it off with the back of his hand, but he missed a tiny dot on his left nostril.

He was telling me about some of the Celtic symbolism in Harry Potter; he's taking a class on it and I'm currently reading it. I found it fascinating and I was trying to listen, but I kept looking at the whipped cream and wondering if I should tell him.

A few minutes passed and he paused his discussion.

"Umm..." I said. "Maybe this is awkward but you have some whipped cream on your nose."

He didn't really say anything but he kind of looked to the ceiling and whipped his nose.

"Well, I just figured you'd rather me tell you than not..."

"Maybe..." he said.

Maybe? Should I not have told him?

"I mean, I think I would want you to tell me if I had whipped cream on my nose."

"In that case, you do," he said.

"Only now I don't believe you," I laughed before turning the conversation back to Harry Potter.

Any advice on what to do next time?

Conclusion

Like I said, the date was fun and I walked away feeling like I had made a friend. For some reason, I got a little nervous before the date. I think it had something to do with a thought in the back of my mind: I knew that this was the first of a series of first dates and opening up to myself and to other people. That scares me a little bit.

But this was a good place to begin. Thanks, Jim, for a good night. I realized that I could hold a conversation, that I can control myself from being mean to guys, and that it is possible to have fun on a date with someone you aren't necessarily attracted to.

So, here's to the start of an interesting experience. Stay tuned to find out when date number two will happen.

Dating Dreams

I was chatting with my friend Josh on facebook last week, and I told him about my blog.

"I had a dream about dating the other night," he said. "Three dreams actually, in two nights!"

"Really?" I asked. "What were they?"

"In the first dream, I met a girl older than me. We exchanged numbers and it was essentially the starting block of a possible relationship.

"In the second dream, the girl was younger than me, but we were already in a relationship. She had star tattoos on her face and it was the first time she said I love you and I said it back.

"In the third dream, I was with a girl that I already knew and have always had a thing for. She kissed me, and that's all I can remember."

He then asked me if I knew what it could mean. After carefully studying the information presented to me, I proceeded to study the art of dream interpretation over the course of many sleepless nights. This is what I came up with:

All three girls are essentially the same person. They represent Josh' desire for a relationship and more specifically, his desire for the girl he's always had a thing for.

Girl #1 represents his confidence and boldness. He knows what he wants. She represents the stable, mature characteristics the Josh will bring to the relationship. However, as he gets closer to meeting Girl #3, his boldness turns to childlike innocence and perhaps a little fear, as represented in Girl #2, the younger girl. Maybe he feels like he's not good enough to have the girl he wants so he's settling for something less. Don't do it Josh Jack! Listen to your brain! Stop being a sissy and ask her out = )

Tattoos generally represent a long, hard journey from home. I know that Josh has already taken a long journey from his home in California to the great land of the South--Atlanta, Georgia. The fact that they are on her face is a little strange. Stars mean that Josh is leaving a big decision in the hands of fate. "Who will the future Mrs. Josh Jack be?"

The dream world is a mysterious realm where conscious and subconscious collide. It's where our brains try to make sense of this mixed up thing we call our life. Will you get what you want, Josh Jack? That, I cannot say. I cannot tell you if Girl #3 has fallen in love and that's why she's kissing you, or if she's merely saying goodbye. What I do know, is that you need to take a risk. Ask her out. Or at least ask someone out. Who knows, maybe your dream girl or some other sweet southern bell is just waiting for you to sweep her off her feet. But beware, if you don't ask someone out, you may end up with a tattooed freak like Dalmatian man:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0lSOOaaV_I

A new outlook on dating

I am a self diagnosed schizophrenic. That sounded a little creepier than I meant so maybe its not that serious. Nevertheless, I do argue with myself in my head, and I often feel that two very different people are doing arguing (and you wonder why I haven't had a date). But hey, C.S. Lewis metnioned something similar in Mere Christianity when he said that all people have three selves. So if a brilliant philosopher/theologian/writer agrees with me, I can't be that crazy.

Jim, the guy I'm going on a date with next week(at least that's what I'm calling him here), finally called me last night, and we settled on next Wednesday for our date. Where we will go and what we will do, I have no idea. What I do know is that the thought of this first date sends my self into an argument with my other self:

First side (the louder side): Oh my gosh. I can't believe I'm going on a date with him. This is terrible. Can you believe he asked you to pencil him in? What kind of a question is that? It's not like it's an appointment. It's a date--something you should want to do, not have to do. Wow...this is going to be so funny. I can't wait to tell everyone what happens.

Second side (or the opposing side): Rachel, stop being mean. You're only being mean because you're afraid. Give the guy a chance. It might actually be fun. Just because you're going on a date with him doesn't mean you have to end up "dating" him. Relax. Get to know him, let him get to know you, and you will both walk away happy.


I realize that my tendency to want to be mean to guys stems from fear. Fear that I might get hurt, fear that the date will lead into a relationship I don't want, and fear that letting someone else see me and know me will mean that I also have to see and know myself.

These are all irrational fears.

I listened to a talk on dating a few weeks ago (don't judge me! it's a good talk and I'm going to post it on here soon). Two points mentioned in the talk really got my attention:

1. At the end of the night, each person should walk away feeling better about his or her self
2. One date doesn't mean you're going to end up in a relationship. Just take it for what it is--a date--a chance for you to get to know the other person and in the process, learn something about yourself.

I think this is the best philosophy of dating I've heard in a long time. It takes all the pressure off the single date and allows you to do you she wanted to do in the first place--have fun!

So, here's to a new outlook on dating and a no pressure night of fun with Jim! (oops...I almost let him real name slip.)

Oh, and don't worry Josh Jack...I'm working on that dream interpretation.

When life gets mundane

I look forward to updating my blog every week until I actually sit down to write. In reality, I could probably find something to write about every day. It's interesting--when you focus on a topic, your entire life is suddenly consumed by it. I can't go a day without someone at least mentioning dating. Maybe it has always been that way, and I didn't notice because I had chosen to ignore that aspect of life.

I'm beginning to view dating a lot like I do writing--the more you do it, the better you get at it. On the other hand, when you choose to ignore it, opt out of it, remove it from your life, you get a little worse.

I can't really control how many dates I go on...I guess that's kind of up to the guys I meet. However, I can control how much I write, which is why I'm committing to updating this blog at least three times a week. I hope that gets all you readers out there excited because I know my life is incredibly important to you and you itch with anticipation at each day that passes without a new post.

Sorry for the mundane post, but until I find more time tonight or tomorrow, I leave you with a few things you can look forward to reading about:

1. How to tell your uber conservative parents that you're dating an African Muslim that's seven years older than you.

2. My expert interpretation of a good friend's relationship oriented dream

3. How to avoid making a fool of yourself when it comes to dating

4. And of course, what happens on my very first date (which the guy still hasn't called and told me when and where. Strike One to him!)


Also...there is a creepy bald man looking at pictures of posing women at the computer across from me. Does anyone else find this inappropriate for the public library?

Call me a jerk if you must

I'm sitting on a couch beside two women that are quickly becoming my close friends, Maria and Michelle. Michelle and I had just finished watching Grey's Anatomy and Maria had come over to watch a movie. Laurie, Michelle's roommate, and her boyfriend Eric were putting away their dinner dishes and preparing to head out for the night.

"So," Michelle said. "Tell me the story! I need to know the details!"

"Oh my gosh," Maria laughed. "I still can't believe he asked you on a date."

"Who is it?" Michelle asked.

While I don't think I can post his name on this blog because too many people that know him read it, I can announce that I am, in fact, going on a date.

The circumstances of the date might surprise you, and I'm a little embarrassed that I said yes. I've known the guy for two years, although I would still consider us only acquaintances, and the thought of dating him has never crossed my mind. Nevertheless, like a good little boy, he listened when his Bible Study leader and my Personal PR Guy, Alan, texted him and told him he should think about asking me on a date.

"Are you only doing this because Alan told you too?" I asked him when he approached me (apparently that was the wrong thing to say because every friend that I have told had a negative reaction. Oh well. What can I say. I wanted to know!)

"Well," he said, "that's what gave me the idea at first. But then I thought about it some more and I really do want to take you out. It could be fun."

"Fun," I thought, "that's what I'm looking for. No pressure, friendly fun."

"Okay," I said. "I think I can do that."

I then clarified that it would just be a friend thing. I didn't want him to start the date off with the wrong impression--the impression that this might actually go somewhere. Maybe that is mean of me. Maybe I should give the guy a chance. But for now, I'm simpy seeing it as good practice. Call me a jerk if you want.

Hayride Hookups

I have been battling with this blog post for over three hours now. Okay….so I took a little break to catch up with John Stewart and Stephen Colbert, but that’s beside the point.

I have been trying to pull out my usual wit and humor (what little of it I have) in order to discuss with you the romantic rendezvous a hayride can create. But alas, after my less than enchanting evening aboard a hayride that was void of any hay, I have nothing funny to say! And now I’m talking like Dr. Seuss.

Anyway, I spent the weekend at Turkey Hill Ranch on our annual Fall Retreat. I was on kitchen duty for most of the weekend, but managed to sneak out Saturday night to enjoy a bonfire, a smore, and a hayride.

As I sat on the hard, wooden bench, listening to my friend Amelia talk about the boyfriend that she is going to visit next weekend, I couldn’t help but recall the giddy feelings I had once felt aboard a similar vessel.

It was November in the year 2000. I had yet to turn 14, and I was sitting next to TJ*, my second “real” boyfriend (you know what I mean). We were huddled together beneath the stars, watching our breath form clouds around the hazy moonlight. He was a freshman in high school, and I was in the eighth grade. The night was perfect. He rubbed my hands between his to keep them warm.

My friend Jodie sat on my right, and the rest of the youth group was a shadowy outline in the pitch black dark. TJ and I were alone. I rested my head on the puffy shoulder of his camouflage coat (yes…people in Tennessee wear camo) and listened to thump of my own heart.

Bump bum…What if he kisses me?

Bump bum…I don’t think I want him to!

I felt his breath on my ear as he moved his face towards mine, the heat warming up my neck. I scooted closer, his skin touching mine, and I turned to face him. Slowly, our lips came together in a cold, wet peck, and his tiny whiskers stuck me like the prickly hay I was sitting on.

My first kiss is over. I believe we broke up before Christmas.

If you think I’m trying to say that all hayrides produce this type of result, you are wrong. Two years later I rejected the hand holding invitation of fine friend, only to regret it later when I discovered he made out with another girl on the next hayride. They started dating and she became jealous of my friendship with him.

We’re just friends! That’s what I said to her and to myself, though on the inside, I knew he and I both wanted more.

The year after that I dated a guy named Tyler. Why I made that choice in the first place, I’ll never know. But I accompanied him to an Octoberfest party that his friend’s parents hosted. I sat stiffly against the side of the hay wagon while he ignored me and cut up with his friends. I now realize this was foreshadowing of his Halloween heartbreak.

What I am trying to say is that hayrides have the ability to fester up that emotion that comes along when you think you might be falling for someone. It’s that mix of right and wrong; good and bad; it’s that yes and no pull of wanting something to happen, but being too afraid to let it. Eventually,l all the fighting finally explodes into a confetti that sends you over the edge, and you are forced to admit that you like this person.

It’s a crazy feeling, one that a lot of people fear. They fear it because it means letting someone else inside. And letting someone inside means you might get hurt. That person may stab you in a vulnerable spot, causing you to crumble and feel smaller than you've ever felt. On the other hand, that person might just be the one God sent to pick you back up and set you on your feet. Either way, you can’t be afraid to let yourself feel. It’s a valuable part of any relationship. In fact, it’s the part that makes you human.

*the name has been changed

"Just consider me your PR person..."

I'm sitting at Dunn Bros. Coffee talking to my friend Michelle. We're supposed to be working on our New Staff Development for Campus Crusade, but that rarely ever happens on a Tuesday morning, even when we meet at the office.


"Michelle," I say, leaning towards her. "Guess what!"


"What?" she asks, peering over the screen of her white Mac book. I glanced at Alan who is sitting beside her listening to his ipod and reading a book.


"I started a blog," I say.


"Really? What's this blog about?"


I look at Alan again, just to make sure he isn't listening.


"Well," I smile sheepishly, "it's about my venture into the dating world."


"Oh! That sounds interesting!" Michelle says. "I'm going to have to read this blog."


"It's really embarrassing and stupid. But you can get to it on my facebook page."


I start reading again while Michelle searches for my blog. I look up a few minutes later when I hear her laughing.


"This is really funny!" she says. "I want to comment on it. You're a good writer!"





"Thanks! That's really encouraging!" I notice that Alan has stopped reading. He's looking at Michelle's computer.



"What are you guys talking about?" he asks, removing his ear buds. I look at Michelle and purse my lips.


"Rachel has a blog," Michelle says.


"Oh? What is it?" he leans closer to Michelle's computer screen and reads, "Diving into Dating....hmmm..." He looks at me quizzically.


"Okay Alan, let me explain..."



And I brief him on my new desire to experience the "magic" of dating.


"Have you gone on any dates?" he asks.


"Well, that's the problem. I have nothing to blog about...yet."


"Okay," he says. "We can fix that..." and in one swift motion, he flips open his cell phone and begins typing. He's wearing a devious smirk that makes me nervous.


"Alan, what are you doing?"


"Nothing...are you opposed to dating people younger than you?"


"What? I don't know!"


Michelle is laughing. My brain is scrambling. What do I do? This is awkward. Alan is texting. Who is he texting. Stop texting!


I haven't given anyone the opportunity to set me up in over four years. If anyone even mentioned the idea of me dating one of their friends, I would immediately respond with some excuse about how I was too busy to date anyone; I had more important things to do.


But this time, I don't have an excuse. I don't have basketball practice every night, I'm not the editor of a magazine, I don't have to organize a hall program, and maybe I actually want him to text these people. Maybe...


Alan snaps his phone shut and walks to the bathroom.


"Michelle!" I say. "This is so awkward!"


"No!" she says. "This is good. I think you need someone advocating for you."


No I don't. Okay...yes I do. But I don't. Yea I do. I'm in conflict with myself, fighting my natural tendency to pull away and assuring myself I can do it on my own. I can meet people by myself, I don't need your help.



But the truth is....I do. And I need to stop being afraid of letting people help me.


"Don't worry about it," Alan says when returns from the restroom."I'm just puttin' a few feelers out there for ya."


I'm still hesitant.



"Just consider me your PR person."

And that's what I get...my very own PR person. And I guess that's what happens when I inadvertantly ask someone for help--they help me, and I appreciate it.

Oh Happy Day

Two weeks ago, I was riding my bike home on a Friday afternoon. I had just finished having coffee with a friend and talking to her about who Jesus Christ was, and I was in an incredibly good mood. It was the end of September and the weather was that perfect mix of hot and cold, indicating that the leaves were about to change colors. I was wearing a cute shirt-dress with black shorts underneath and smiling to myself about the great day I was having.

I slowed my bike at an intersection on Cherry Street, just in time for an attractive guy in a business-casual outfit to pass me on my left. I was wearing gold aviator sunglasses and took comfort in the fact that he couldn’t see me checking him out (especially since I looked like a dork wearing a helmet and riding a red and khaki cruiser). The light turned green, and I was about to peddle off when the guy did something unexpected: He looked my way, smiled, and gave me the chin raise. The chin raise! You know…the thing that guys do where they raise their eyebrows and tilt their head back in acknowledgment and approval! I got the chin raise! Me! A girl wearing a stupid helmet! A girl who hasn’t dated in over four years! Me! A girl whose been told on numerous occasions that guys don’t ask her out because she is intimidating! I got the chin raise!

And it gets better…

I continued down Cherry Street, basking in my new found confidence when I passed another man. He was a little less attractive, but no less intriguing. He was burly and had a red beard. He wore a t-shirt and jeans and had dark, intellectual glasses over his eyes. An apron was slung over his shoulder, and I concluded he worked at Shakespeare’s Pizza. He walked casually across the street and seemed to be content with his life.

My mind was still replaying the chin raise I had just received when the burly bearded man glanced at me and said, “Hello!” in a more than enthusiastic voice.

“Hi!” I shouted as I rolled by him, and a toothy smile stretched across my face. A chin raise and a hello?!?! Today must be my lucky day!

I arrived home about fifteen minutes later to find my roommate, Jessica, sitting in the living room reading a book.

“Jessica,” I said. “You will never guess what just happened to me!”

I proceeded to tell her about the satisfactory encounters that I had on my bike ride home.

“And after all that happened,” I said. “I realized…I really can get a date!”

Jessica laughed and assured me that I would be able to get a date. I feel a little silly for finding so much encouragement in two miniscule encounters. But when you soul goal in life used to be keeping men away, it’s encouraging to know that once you’re ready to let them back into your life, they are willing forgive your for former ostentation.

Dinner for 8

I had dinner with 7 other people from my church tonight. One of them was my friend and fellow single woman, Claire. Claire is 27 and working on her PhD. She recently ended a relationship with a man from Seattle and seemed pretty heart broken about it a month ago. But her spirits are now looking up. She's a great girl. Very smart and very savvy, and will have no problem landing a man in the future.

Irv and Sandy hosted the dinner. Irv is tall and slender and wears his trousers pulled up above his belly button like most 70-year-old men. Sandy is an extravagant red-head. Her sweater was black and decorated with sequined orange pumpkins. I had heard that she was a bit of a perfectionist and she lived up to the stereotype with a delicious dinner and well kept house. Likewise, she and Irv kept the conversation flowing by carefully calculating their questions and comments, allowing none of their words to seem out of place.

The Higgins (her name was Arlene but i didn't catch his--even after a two hour conversation) are in their fifties and work blue-collard jobs: she sells appliances at Sears and he works for a company that sells some kind of chemicals. They have three children, and Arlene is preparing to sew a wedding dress and bridesmaid''s dresses for her daughters wedding next August.

Polly Brown and her husband (again, a name I did not catch partly because it was so unusual. It sounded like they were calling him Ollen) are originally from Oklahoma, but moved here with the intention of staying for two years while he worked at the university. Fortunately for me, they have stayed much longer and now I have a chance to know this delightful couple. They are both in their seventies and are perfect compliments to one another. Throughout the night, Ollen would begin a story only to stop and announce that Polly could tell it much better. Then, he would politely step aside and let her take the stage. She was wonderful, telling stories with delightful animation and great voice inflection; she drew her audience in to every word. He had a dry sense of humor that would come out at awkward times with a seemingly cliche joke that no one else seemed to catch until he pointed it out. Both seemed humbly dignified, if there is such a combination, and like Irv and Sandy, they seemed perfectly at ease with one another.

The Higgins loved each other; you could tell. But I assume they haven't been married as long as the other two couples and it seems they are still figuring each other out. And that's okay because even my parents after 25 years still have a few things to work out. And I imagine, that even after the fifty years that Irv and Sandy have shared, rocky situations still occur. Yet, somehow, their gestures prove that they are completely in love and trust that the other will be there forever.


What does this have to do with a blog about dating? Well, after a four year hiatus from any sort of interaction with the opposite sex...I have decided it is time for me to step back into the dating world--something that scares me like nothing else has before. The thought of actually saying yes to a guy that asks for my number instead of making him feel like an ass, brings all sorts of fears to my chest and I get butterflies. Yes, butterflies--those silly little insects that haven't come to visit me since high school.

After high school I swore off dating , marriage, and relationships in general for various reasons, which you may eventually learn. But a series of events over the past year led me to a change of heart, and I'm ready to give the male population another chance.

Watching the three couples at dinner with tonight alluded to the fact that I have made the right decision. While I am by no means looking for marriage, they made me see that a relationship may not be such a bad thing. Listening to Ollen and Polly assist each other in story telling and laughing at Irv as he corrected Sandy's stories, I realized that marriage may not mean giving up what I love most or losing my identity in another person. If anything, the grace and comfort that these couples showed one another revealed to me that a relationship, at any stage, may actually cause me to find who I am. Each person that comes into our life has something to show us or teach us--something that, no matter how painful it might be, will hopefully grow us into a better person.

So, dating world....here I am. Give me what you got and teach me what you will.